Conversations

So, my head feels like it is about to implode at any minute. Or maybe explode. I am not clear on which. But it hurts whichever 'ploding it is about to do.

It's one of those days. The kids don't stop fighting. Or whining, screaming, hitting, trying in vain to unlock the closet they've been shoved into...all the fun stuff. Throw my pretty much futile attempts at potty-training Nora in there too and it's just a banner day.

You can lead my child to the toilet, but you can NOT make her pee. Any attempts to do so are immediately thwarted with a violent head shake and a "No WAY, MAMA". She then will trot upstairs to get one of her 6 million pairs of Dora underwear and say she wants to wear undies just like Tate. I then tell her she needs to go on the potty if she wears undies and this is what happens:

Nora: "NO WAY! I only will go on the potty TOMORROW! NOT TODAY!!!"

Me: "Nora, it's been tomorrow for the last like 34 days. Time to step up to the plate, sister."

Nora: "ONLY TOMORROW! NEVER TODAY! I WOULD RATHER BURN IN HELL THAN GO ON THE POTTY TODAY!!!"

Me: "Hell ain't soundin' half bad to me right about now."

So then I put her diaper on her and come to realize a few hours later that the diaper was subsequently violently ripped off at some point and thrown to it's death over the deck railing. This child will never, ever be trained.

And Tate and I had this touching exchange the other day:

Tate: "Why did God make me and you?"

Me: "Well, he made you to be my little boy and me to be your mommy. And I sure am lucky because I wouldn't want any other little boy in the whole world to be my little boy."

Tate: "Oh....but can I get another Mommy?"

I'm on a roll with these kids.

Gone With the Wind

Note to self: Make sure your kids are actually excited about doing something before you spend all morning preparing to take your kids to said event.

This morning, we attempted to go to a teddy bear hunt. There was a problem. It's name was wind. I have somehow gone almost 5 years without realizing my children were apparently rendered useless, terrified, and completely unable to form any coherent train of thought by this wonder of nature. I mean, seriously. This is what went down.

Wind: Whhhhooooooshhhhhhh......

My spawn: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wind: Swissssssshhhhhh

The fruit of my loins: SOMETHING IS TRYING TO KILLLLLLLLL MEEEEEEEE!!!! I MUST SCREAM UNCONTROLLABLY UNTIL EVERYONE LOOKS AT MY MOTHER LIKE SHE IS TRYING TO TEAR MY TEETH OUT OF MY MOUTH!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE HELLLLLLLP ME!!!!

Wind: Blooooowwwwww

My sweet sweet babies: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE SAVE US NOWWWWWW!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE! LET US SCREAM UNTIL OUR EYES WATER, OUR EARS RING, AND OUR MOTHER COLLAPSES INTO A QUIVERING HEAP UPON THE GROUND!! IT IS THE APOCALYPSE!!!! THE END OF THE WORLD!!!! THE WIND IS RIPPING OUR VERY SOULS FROM OUR BEINGS!!!! LET US SCREEEEEEAAAAMMMM!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, LET US COERCE EVERYONE IN A 20 MILE RADIUS TO SCREAM IN UNISON WITH US!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm being a good mom to difficult children. That's my special project.

These are my darlings. Pictures taken .3.5 seconds before the glass-shattering shrieking occured.




After the ringing from our ears subsided, one of my very dearest friends and I looked at each other, and in that awesome, we-know-each-other-so-well-way, decided mutely it was time to make a break for it and head to the nearest bar. And so we did. This is how we wiled away our Sunday afternoon.

Break.

My turn for the online poker, dammit.

In other news, I am trying to potty train Nora. Is it going well? Why, no. But thanks for asking.

I have realized this. Going potty in the potty is only one small portion of potty training. There are 50 other steps conveniently skipped over in the parenting books. There's the "transition from little potty to big potty" step. The "yes, you must flush every time you go potty" step. The "weaning from potty-rewards" step (otherwise known as "no, grown-ups don't get M&Ms for pooping" step). The "privacy without locking yourself in, and thus Mommy out, of the bathroom" step. The "not everyone wants to see your new Dora The Explorer underwear" step. The "not discussing what Mommy is doing in the potty in a public bathroom" step.

Yeah. It's not as easy as you'd think.