This One Isn't Funny

I'm not enjoying being a mother right now. This will not be a very lighthearted entry so beware.

I mean, it's 6 am and I've been up for an hour and a half. I think most people will understand that I'm not in the most chipper mood. Nora doesn't sleep worth shit and it's just deja vu all over again around here. I cannot go through this again. Can't do it. When I think back to when Tate was around this age and the horrible sleeping patterns started, I just get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach realizing that it may be starting again. Nora does not get enough sleep and it worries me. She is developing permanent bags and circles under her eyes and just looks...tired and not well. And she isn't well. She doesn't sleep long enough to fight off this cold she has, or to develop or grow or fucking give me more than 20 minutes to sit down and try to keep Tate at bay for just a minute so I can take a breath and collect my thoughts.

I get so jealous of moms who get the revered afternoon break while their kids sleep. I have never ever known what it's like to constantly get that hour or two after lunch to have time to do things around the house, or to just sit and not have two sets of hands pulling and pinching and grabbing and wanting and needing and demanding. Tate never gave me good naps, and now he gives me no naps at all. Nora's on the same path...it's eerie, actually. She and I are EXACTLY where Tate and I were two years ago. Up by 5, not on any type of sleep schedule because she refuses to adhere to one, her screaming bloody murder when she realizes that I'm about to put her down to sleep...it's all the same. And it's going to make me crazy. Again.

I've mentioned this before, but I got hit with the post-partum depression stick pretty bad the first time around. It didn't really start to get serious til Tate was about 4 months or so. Oh, and guess what? That's the time he started not sleeping so great. I'm thinking there just might be a correlation between the two. Sleep deprivation is something I cannot handle. I physically and emotionally start to shut down until I'm like a walking zombie. That's hard enough with one kid, but two? I feel like I can't let myself get to that point again because it would be crippling for all of us. So I'm fighting it but I feel myself losing the battle again. And I feel like it could so easily be remedied, if Nora would just cut me a break and sleep. That's all I want, is a baby who sleeps more than 11 or 12 hours in a 24 hour period. I don't understand why I don't get that.

When Nora was first born, she was a great sleeper, and I would brag about her sleeping 14 or so hours a night, 3 hour naps during the day, etc etc. I would smugly say "Well, Tate wasn't a great sleeper so I guess I just deserved on this time around!" Well, someone up there decided to screw me with the karma stick, because lookie at me eat my words now!

I've tried getting her on a schedule. Putting her down at the same times everyday when she normally displays signs of getting sleepy. But if I put her down too early and she's not tired enough, she goes nuts and I feel like all I'm accomplishing is her hating her crib even more. I've never been able to put her down awake and not have her cry before falling asleep. Ever. She just won't do the same thing day to day. I've cut way back on going out during the day so we can work on it, but it's not happening. If I put her down for a nap at nine and she doesn't want a nap at nine, she will not take one. She'll stay in her crib and complain til I go get her, and then there's no nap whatsoever at that time. Tate did the same thing...I think his record was 2 and a half hours of sitting in his crib bitching for me to come get him. And he never fell asleep.

But, there's nothing I can do. She hates to sleep. She hates her crib, hates being rocked before bed, hates it all. And I have no choice but to deal with it. And now I just wait for her to get tired enough to get wrestled into sleep. It could be 10 minutes from now or 2 hours. But whenever it is, you can bet your bippy that Tate will be waking up 2 minutes after that. Because that's how my kids roll. Roll me right into the looney bin. Hey, maybe there I'd at least get some sleep.