Sorry, I Didn't Catch That.

It's not that I don't WANT to listen. It's just that I have two children who talk more than I do (which is mind-boggling, in and of itself), and at the end of the day, I just want everyone to shut the hell up.

Ok, by "everyone" I really just mean people I don't know. Oh, and Eric. But he already knows all this. And by "the end of the day", I really just mean "all the freaking time". If I do not know you from Adam, I do not really need to know that your kid likes apples. And likes to watch Wonder Pets. And has a sister who used to jump rope a lot. And knows some of his colors. And dropped a turd the exact size and shape of Christopher Walken this morning.

To clarify further, I've finally stopped giving Nora the "I'm the Second Kid and Therefore Don't Get Signed up For Swimming and Gymnastics and Dance and Sports Classes From the Moment I Exit the Womb Like My Older Sibling Did" treatment and have been taking Nora to a little dance and swim class at the Y. She loves the swimming portion and is quite the little kicker. The dance portion is mostly spend with her burrowing her face into my lap and refusing to look at or acknowledge anyone else is the class. See all the kids dancing? Yeah, there's my kid trying to crawl back up into my uterus. Oh, and now how they're all playing with scarves and ribbons? That's her over there. Yeah, the one in the corner looking steadfastly at the wall.

But the whole point of this is that there is one woman in the class who never stops talking. Ever. It doesn't matter if the teacher is talking at the same time, or if no one is listening to her, or if everyone has suddenly found 400 other things to do that must be immediately seen to, she will not shut the yapper. I shall demonstrate:

Teacher: "Ok, kids! This is the letter K! What starts with K?"

Lady Who Never Stops Talking Even Though No One Listens: "Oooh, my son used to have a toy dog. I think he named him Harold. He's so smart to come up with a name like that. Most kids wouldn't think of such a funny name for a dog"

Teacher: "Let's pass around the kangaroo! That starts with K!"

LWNSTETNOL: "Remember when your dad built you that snowman? You put the face on it all by yourself!" (Looks around to see who's listening and wondering why everyone suddenly seems to have fallen deaf). "Oh, and remember when we went to Disney World??"

Teacher: "Ok, time to get up and dance!"

LWNSTETNOL: "You're such a good dancer! I think you are the best dancer in here!" Silence. "Remember when your other teacher said you were such a great dancer? Show everyone how you twirl!" Non-compliance from child. "Come on! You are such a great twirler and jumper! Show all the other little kids how to do it." Child attempts to turn into a statue. "Ohhh...don't start acting shy! You're never shy! You're the friendliest little kid out there, remember? You just talk and talk and talk and everyone gets such a kick out of you! Why don't you start singing your ABCs so everyone can hear how you are the smartest kid ever to be spawned!" Child tries to slink away to hide under a bag of basketballs. "Listen!! You need to get back over here AND HAVE FUN or you get a time out! Don't make Mommy give you a time out! You know you never get time-outs!"

Teacher: "Uh, I'm just going to turn on the music"

LWHSTETNOL (to me, of course. Lucky, lucky me): "I don't know what his problem is today. He's usually the most active kid in all his classes. I have to sign him up for a ton of classes because he's so advanced and smart and needs to keep his brain stimulated or it will start to lose power. He usually loves to do all this kind of stuff. I bet he'll be better when we go swimming. Did you see last week how he can already jump in the pool? His sister is already at the top her her swimming class too. One time we took them to Florida. They both really like peanut butter. I'm starting to think they both may actually be the second coming of Jesus."

Me: "Sorry, did you say something?"

The really funny part about all this is that this kid has the exact same name as the son of one of my best friends (Hi, Jodi!). Same first AND middle. The reason I know this is because the mother calls him by both names all the time. And it's not a short name. I just find it humorous because the only time Jodi's son gets called by both names is when he's in trouble, usually because he and Tate have started chucking rocks off our trampoline at their sisters or something.

I always wonder what people expect other parents to say when they act like their kid is the be-all, end-all of children in general. Are we supposed to agree? Say "why, yes, your kid IS the smartest kid in all the land! My child is pretty much doomed to a life of sitting on a rock in a field drooling and trying to figure out how to unzip the snap on their pants!! Lucky you, O Magnificent Parent! You have given birth to a hybrid of Einstein, Ghandi, George Clooney, Pavarotti, and Stephan King! It's Eighclpaki!!"

I just don't know.