What It Is

I've been thinking a lot about a few things lately. Namely A) If I should write this blog post B) How I should write this blog post and C) If it would be possible to survive solely on wine and cookies. Hey, I never said all three things were related.

But anyway.

Obviously I have not written much in awhile. As many people who know me in real life have figured out, things have been not so good around here lately. Well, I shouldn't say that. Things have been interesting around here. The one good thing that has happened is that we have found answers. Answers that confuse, frustrate and scare me, but answers nonetheless.

Tate has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.

Just writing that has caused tears to prick my eyes once again. I think I've cried more in the past 3 months than I have in the 32 years prior. I often wonder when I'll be able to write or speak those words consistently without getting tears in my eyes or a lump in my throat or my chin doing that wobbling, wrinkling thing that makes you look really ugly. I've determined that I am not an attractive crier. My face looks like an old wrinkly potato.

So, that's what it is. Oh, and he has ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) thrown in there too. It's like a little salad of behavioral disorders. Now, anyone who has met, read about, or...seen Tate in the distance will probably be nodding their head along with this diagnosis. I mean, hello. At some point I fully expect his picture to be placed next to the ODD description in whatever book holds such descriptions.

I'm not going to go into a butt-ton of detail, just because the post would be like 800 paragraphs long and everyone would lose interest pretty darn quick. Oh, and I'd just keep getting all potato face-y. But believe me, I could go on and on and ON. I just don't know if I'm up to it yet.

But yes, it's been interesting around here. I've been trying to come to terms with all of this and for the most part, failing spectacularly. I am not what you would call, oh, patient. Or even-tempered. It's been a lot to deal with and I will be the first to admit I need to work on that a lot. For every time that I manage to sit down calmly with Tate and try to redirect his actions/keep him from talking gibberish/stop his hitting/encourage him to interact with other kids/not make me want to bang my head against a wall, I have a time where I just. do. not. react. well. Kneeling in front of your child with tears running down your cheeks begging him to just please, please be normal is really not a high point in any parent's career.

Asperger's is by and large a social disorder. Tate does not do well with making eye contact or picking up on social cues made by other children or adults. I cannot remember the last time I saw him sit down next to another child and play with them, as opposed to next to them. Usually it takes quite a bit of cajoling on my part just to get him to sit next to another kid, period. Unless there's food involved.

The main problem is when he does interact with people, it's made up of talking gibberish, intentionally calling people wrong names, getting agitated and upset when they respond, pushing, hitting, grabbing, squeezing, pointing, grunting, being oppositional and defiant (see where that term Oppositional Defiance Disorder comes from? See how they did that?) refusing to answer questions or ask for things or look people in the eyes or....well, all that kind of stuff. Not to say this is how he is 100% of the time, because it's not. He has lots of good days. He just has a lot more bad ones. And the meltdowns. Oh Lordy, the meltdowns.

The reason I struggled for awhile with writing this post was because it seems like these days with Facebook and blogs and Twitter and all that, a lot of what people write just seems kind of...attention whorish. I mean, obviously I was not going to update my status on Facebook as "OMG!!! My kid totally has Asperger's! Like this sux so hard core! Can't wait to hang with my girlz tonite! LOL!!!!", but I felt at some point I should just kind of put it all out there and this seemed the best way in which to do it. My family and close friends (who I consider family by this point) have known for awhile. I then started mentioning to it a few other people and hoping the word might just kind of spread naturally. And now I feel like it might be beneficial for me and Tate to just throw it on out there. Hey! Lookie! Tate has Asperger's!! Wheeeeee!

There have been many times where people have given Tate dirty looks. Or made snide comments about his behavior. Or just kind of made me think they pretty much regarded him as strange and weird and freakish. I don't know if they think I don't notice when they do this but hi. I can see. Oh, and hear. Crazy, I know. Now the thing I've been wondering is, when Tate gets in one of his moods and I see the looks and hear the comments, do I A) ignore the judgemental bitches and comfort myself by thinking that if they're the type of person to judge and ridicule a 4 year old then they're pretty much destined to a life of being stupid, small-minded and ugly or B) resign myself to having to explain every odd behavior and epic meltdown by saying "He's got Asperger's. It's Asperger's. Not that it's really your business but there you have it. Have a lovely day, skeezos."

So, even though it may not sound like it, one of the strongest emotions I have had through all of this is relief. Now we know. I've suspected very strongly for about a year now that his aggression and all his little quirks and challenging ways have been telling us something that we weren't quite ready to hear, but we heard, and now we know. I'm scared for Tate...I'm scared that he will be shunned, ridiculed, left out, everything that we dread for our children. I worry that he's unhappy and frustrated and doesn't know what to do. But I do know this: Compassion is the most powerful parenting tool I possess. I just need to freakin' use it more often.

I mean, look at this face:

That is one of my very favorite faces in the world. This is what I know for certain.