Good Luck With Your Search, Buddy.

Ok, this? Is unreal. This guy is a piece of work. Total douchebag. You gotta read this, but it's looong, so make sure you have a spare 15 minutes or so to devote to the insane craziness. It can't be skimmed, there's just too much good stuff in there to make you wonder is happening to humanity today.
It's funny, in a unbelievably unbelievable way. Cause really, who doesn't want to dictate how many times in a certain period their wife can use the bathroom? Or how long they must be able to walk without needing to drink water?
Unfortunately, I do not meet his requirements. I'm too old and too fat. Poor me. It looks like I do have the correct boob size, though. Holla.

Where am I? Whose House is This?

My kids are sleeping. Let me say that again. My kidS ARE sleeping. That means both of them. At the same time. I feel like I've entered some parallel universe. This is out of my realm of reality. Tate has not napped since the beginning of time. Nora naps for about 40 second stretches. They have both been asleep for one hour. So now I'm sitting on the nap, trying to hurry up and get all my relaxing done. You know what I mean? You just book downstairs to the couch, slam open the laptop and start cruising through all your favorite websites before one of the kidlets wake up. I keep looking at the clock trying to determine how much time I have left to continue shaping my butt imprint on the couch. I feel like I'm living on borrowed time.

Anyhoo. We had a fun weekend this past weekend. Saturday we went to Target for the first time EVER as a foursome. Yes, it was very exciting. We didn't have any repeats of the bra incident, sadly. I'm sure Eric would have gotten a kick out of it. Then we went to look at minivans. We've decided to suck it up and buy one. Really, why not get one? We're 30 and have no one to impress anymore. It's not like we go drag-racin' down the open road anymore. No more sitting on the hoods drinking beer and listening to music. No more having sex in the backseat. Although a minivan may actually make that more of a possibility....eh, who am I kidding. So we think we're going to get a Chysler Town and Country. Yeeeeah, we are kickass.

Then we headed to our neighbors to hang out by the kiddie pool and drink. The kids had fun splashing each other and pouring water over Greg's bald head. Tate actually sat down in the water. He hasn't done that in a kiddie pool or bathtub for like a year. I guess he figured since Alice did it, he cuoldn't be shown up by a girl. Then we bbq'd on their back deck and watched the kids try and kill each other in the mini trampoline. Seriously, it was like watching the WWE. Tate got Alice's head in between his legs and kept slamming it onto the trampoline. She loved it.

Sunday Eric worked at the Chili Cook-off at a park by our house. He's a member of the Optimists Club, who sponsered it. Hasn't gone to a meeting in about 8 months, but all of a sudden decided it was his civic duty to spend a whole Sunday away from home hawking beer and eating chili. He brought Tate with him. Nora and I came, I took Tate to play on the playground, and he threw his first tantrum about .9 seconds later. Time to go back to Daddy. I lasted a whole 20 minutes before I left. I just wasn't feelin' it.

So a nice weekend in all. Not too many funny things happened. I feel like I'm losing my writing mojo. Hopefully something funny will happen soon that I'll feel like reenacting on this thing. Lately I've been feeling kinda blah in general. I need to do something new and exciting.

Random Survey Thingie. Feel Free to Not Read.

I was bored, ok, people?

One of the most random surveys you'll ever take!

Some of the most random questions you will ever be asked!
What brand of toilet paper does your family buy?: Whatever's on sale that won't give butt owies
What is your favorite kitchen utensil?: Uh, the spoon.
Is your freezer/refrigerator door right next to each other, or on top?: Next to each other. I hate those kinds of freezers cause you can't fit a damn thing in them
What color is the chair you're sitting in?: green/tan stripey kinda. It's not as ugly as it sounds
Have you ever worn underwear on your head?: Are you not supposed to?
What about over your pants?: I'm not really a crazy person like that...
Have you ever eaten grass?: Yep. Fiberlicious.
Does your dog eat grass?: Yeah.
Do you yell at it when it eats grass?: I yell at them all the time.
My mom used to tell me the dogs teeth would get sharp if it ate grass.
Did your mom tell you that?: My mom didn't really talk about dogs.
Have you ever wondered why the letter Q always has to be followed with u?: I have other things on my mind, thank you.
Q is such a wimp.
When asked "Wut do yew wanna tlk abouutt", what do you think of first?: Why the hell can't you spell properly?
Is there anything broken around you?: My sanity. Can that be broken? Let's just say yes.
What's your favorite brand of pencil?: The kind that writes.
Eraser?: Non-yucky-smelling kinds.
Do you like Dunkaroos?: I'd tell you if I knew what they were!
Do you enjoy cleaning your belly button?: I really liked it when I was preggo cause I could flip it inside out and explore the contents.
Type ex-boyfriends mother's name with your chin. NOW.: Vrjd
Have you ever yawned and not been able to hear momentarily?: Yes. I feel like I'm at the ocean, serenely at peace.
Have you ever used the word 'duper' without super in front of it?: No. I'm not a geek.
Why do people named Thomas go by the nickname Tom. Why not Thom?: I knew a Thom.
Have you ever used a type writer, and not messed up typing?: It's 2008. Who has a typewriter?
Does your dad watch the History Channel everynight?: I'm thinking no.
Mine does.
Talk Sex With Sue- Good or bad?: Eh?
Do you fear shutting your head in the car door?: Already done it, bitches.
Do you ever find yourself sitting around making funny faces for no reason?: Only when I'm playing with my nose ring.
Does anyone ever catch you?: Just my kid.
Have you played "A Sailor Went to Sea Sea Sea" Lately?: Oh my God, like 3 minutes ago.
Did you know the ABC's and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?: So does Baa Baa Black Sheep. Get with the program, people.
If I told you I had a Pokemon mousepad, what would you say?: Nice knowin' ya. Have a nice life.
Gee, thanks, I have a Pokemon mousepad, you jerk!
Have you ever made a project out of wood?: Heh...you said wood.
Have you ever ridden on a donkey?: Yeah.
Do you purposely NOT use good punctuation/grammar?: NO.
Have you ever dislike someone you adn't met in person?: oh yeah.
Have you ever swan dived off of your roof into oncoming traffic?: More like a belly flop.
Go look in the nearest closet. What's the 3rd clothing article on the left?: A shirt I can't fit into anymore unless I want my belly flab hanging out the bottom.
When you were a kid, did you believe chocolate milk came from brown cows?: No.
Do you still believe it?: Yes.
Have you ever found a dead animal under your house?: Nope, but in my attic I have.
Have you ever tried to fly past the age of 8?: I flew last weekend. It's called a plane.
Do you watch Disney Channel shows, and then lie about it?: No
Has your house ever been infested with some kind of insect?: Ladybugs. Not so fun.
Have you ever passed 3 dead squirrles in a row on the road?: Bleh.
Can you laugh like Woody Woodpecker?: I hate that damn bird.
Do you walk in step with people around you?: No, they try to imitate ME

Fill out this survey yourself
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Brought to you by Bzoink

The Facts.

Fact: Tate was a gigantic baby. Gargantuan. I knew it at the time since I was lugging his big ass around all the time, but I guess I kind of blocked it out of my memory. But Nora had her 4 month checkup today so I wanted to go back and compare the two kids at the same age. So, both kids' four month stats:

Nora's length: 25 1/2'' (83%tile)
Tate's length: 27 3/4'' (87%tile)

Nora's head circumference: 41.8 cm (65%tile)
Tate's big melon: 45.2 cm (92%tile)

Nora's weight: 13#14oz (45%tile)
Tate's heft: 21# (96%tile)

Apparently someone up there decided that I deserved a kid that didn't freaking give me an asthma attack after schlepping them around for 5 minutes. I mean, that kid was LARGE. Nora seems like a little peanut. She has seemed to inherit her brother's total hatred of and aversion to sleeping, though. Guess I'm screwed there.

The Red Bullseye Shall be the Death of Me

I went to Target today with both kids. Third time in three days. Don't you love how you get home from a big shopping trip and realize you forgot what you went there for? I did that. Twice.

Anyway, basically our shopping trips play out as thus. We park, get out of the car and walk about 10 feet. Then Tate decides that he must be carried because apparently his feet are about to fall off or something. So then I trek into the store with a infant carrier in one hand and a gigantic toddler in the other. I usually make it all the way inside before collapsing from exhaustion. Then I put the kids in one of those cart....thingies. The one that have the little 2-seat plastic thing before the cart? Tate sits there and Nora sits in her carseat in the seat of the cart. Then I push the damn thing and realize it's like trying to steer a semi. It's like 20 feet long. Tate is usually pretty good about sitting still for a whole 3 minutes. Nora is about 8 feet away from me so I just keep calling to her so she doesn't think she's entered some type of gigantic red hell.

I decided I needed some new bras. Tate decided that bras are the coolest toy ever. He snatched them out of my hand before I had a chance to put them in the cart, and asked "Asshat (what's that), Mama?". "Bras, my child." "Bras! BRAS BRAS BRAS!" "....gack..." "Bra hat? Bra hat?" Yes, Tate decided that a bra would make a perfect kicky little cap. Then? Then he decided that bras are really made to be thrown. Into someone else's cart. An old man's cart.

Excuse me while I continue my quiet slow death of embarrassment.

But I continue on. What other choice do I have, curling up in the fetal position in the sporting goods aisle? As I'm going through the shampoo aisle, I'm perusing the 400 different kinds of Garnier Fructis, Pantene, and Herbal Essences, I hear a noise. Clunk. Clunk clunk clunk. Oh, lookie. Bottles of shampoo are being chucked on the floor. Who's sticky little paw could that be reaching out of the cart seat thingie and gleefully hurtling innocent plastic bottles to their death? Every bottle that gets picked up, 5 more get hurled down. Ok. Time to go.

Checkout is always fun too. Today Tate took some spit out of his mouth and smeared it on the conveyer belt. What the hell do I do in that situation?? Pick the spit up and put it back in his mouth? Then he pointed at the cashier and said "ASSHAT?". She did not look amused. What, you don't like being called asshat?

I know more unbearingly embarrassing things happened, but I truely believe I've blocked them from my memory.

On a completely unrelated note: I'm worried about Tate's cheek. There's a rashy-type thing on part of it. I wonder if it's because of the sunscreen I put on him everyday in Bermuda. It seems to be getting worse and tonight after I put him to bed he started saying "Wash the face? Wash the face?" It took me awhile to figure out what he was asking, and then I was blown away. Normally when we come at his face with a washcloth he acts like we're trying to rub thorns dipped in hot oil all over his face. But I took a wet wipe to his cheek and he immediately calmed down. As soon as I stopped and started to walk away, though..."MAMA! Wash the face! Wash the face!". I think I used 10 wet wipes on him. So I wonder if it's itchy or burny or what. Any thoughts on what it could be?

It's strange to see my kid with a clean face. Usually he has remnants of popsicle, raisins, peas, dog food, what-have-you smeared all over it.

Tired...

We got back from Bermuda last night. By the time I went to bed, I had been awake for like 19 hours. I was wiped. I'm still wiped. Therefore, I will not be regaling all my faithful readers with stories of our antics in Bermuda til tomorrow or later. I feel like this:


But seriously...what is up with that kid's hair??

Oh, Honey, by the Way....

So I was chillin' with Eric today by the pool at my parents house down here in B-town (That's Bermuda to you folks) and suddenly realized something. I looked at him and said, "Oh, honey...by the way...happy anniversary." He looked at me and said "Right back at ya." Then he jumped up to stop Tate from drinking pool water out of an old cup sitting on the ground. Ah, love.

So I guess that's how it goes once you have kids, huh? Who has time to sit and reminisce about the happiest day of their lives, the day where a shlub of a guy finally gets the beautiful, mysterious, desirable girl? (Well, that's our situation anyway. Don't blame me if it's not yours). 6 years and two kids later I can't imagine my life any other way. I mean, who doesn't want their days filled with screaming kids, poopy diapers and fighting off your desperate husband who just want's a little somethin' somethin' at the end of the day?

Eric and I met when we were 17. I had a party when my parents were out of town and told my friend Dan to bring over a couple friends. I was looking for a prom date and not above getting help. Eric came in and that was it. Honestly. I saw him and knew my life was going to change. Pretty heavy stuff for a 17 year old. So we went to my prom, his prom, and then he left for the Naval Academy. Then I didn't see him again for 3 months. Good times, good times.
Somehow we made it through college long-distance, moved in together in Charleston, SC, and I started nagging him about a ring. I just wanted the ring, man.

So one night, as we were laying in bed watching "Malcolm in the Middle", Eric got up, went into the bathroom, lit a couple Glade candles (for ambiance, don't ya know) and brought out a ring. He did all this during a commerical break. We really liked that show, what can I say. He knelt down by the bed, popped the question, I cried, and that was that. Oh, we were naked at the time. I like to throw that in there just to make the story more interesting.

A year and a half later, here we were:



I know, we're so hot. Anyway, the past 6 years have been crazy, fun, irritating, awesome, annoying, and the best of my life. Love ya, honey.

I Don't Wanna Wear a Swimsuit

So the fam and I are departing for Bermuda tomorrow. We go about once a year or so and stay at my parents' place. It should be fun since my whole family will be there. Well, it'll be fun for the first few days. Then everyone will start getting on everyone's nerves, cause that's how my family works. I'm sure I'll have some fun stories.

But wearing a swimsuit will not be one of them. I am not looking forward to squeezing my gigantic butt, thunder thighs and stomach flab o' doom into a small piece of spandex. I am hoping to avoid doing that as much as possible. Should be really easy with a pool in the backyard and a beautful beach down the road, right? Why lay out in the sun and frolic in the sand and waves when I can cower in the house refusing to show any skin? Blah. I'm afraid that small children will see me thundering towards them on the beach and run away screaming for their mommies to protect them from the gigantic whale in a two-piece suit from Target.

Maybe I just won't eat this week. Then maybe I won't be able to gather all my stomach fat in two hands and shake shake shake it. Maybe I won't be afraid that the insides of my thighs rubbing together will start a fire with all the friction. Maybe I won't be able to lift up one butt cheek, drop it and feel it wobble for the next 5 minutes. Oh well. At least I have skinny fingers. Gotta take what I can get.

Anyway, must go pack. I'll rant about the time, energy and sheer genius it takes to pack for myself and two children another time. Who am I kidding...I pack for Eric too. I have to make sure he looks presentable.

The Kidlets

Ok, so I've heard from a few people that I don't post enough pictures of my kids on here. Here ya go. No more complaining.

I Got Pierced and Sang in Front of the Men's Bathroom

So I just got back from a girls weekend in Chi-town with my friends Jodi and Tricia. It. Was. So. FUN. What a great time, and what a nice break.
We got there around 5 on Friday. Let me give you a tip. Do not exit off the freeway when you're still about 15 miles from your destination because you think the freeway is too crowded. We traveled about 5 blocks in about 20 minutes because the stoplights are all evil and are green for about 10 seconds. The lady in my GPS kept trying to get us off the road and back on the highway. I swear each time we ignored her directions she kept getting more and more pissed each time she snapped "Recalculating!". I almost expected a hand to come out of the box and slap me in the face til we listened to her. We finally bowed down to the all-knowing GPS lady and slunk back onto the freeway. Then we only had to drive around the block of my parents' condo about 3 times before getting a parking spot! Whoot!

After settling in, we got dolled up and headed out. Dinner first, then followed by a dueling piano bar. The definite highlight of the bar was the 200-year-old man wearing a kickass sailer's cap coming up to Jodi and dragging her out of her chair to dance with him. We called him Hugh Hefner. He was a total stud.

Then came the moment when I realized I was ready to do it. Time to pierce the nose! We trotted out of the bar and into a cab where I told the cabbie to go to "Uh, I think it's the Chicago Tattoo Company? On Belmont? I think?" After he pulled up to a boarded up building I figured it was time to call 411. They pointed us in the right direction and we finally found the place. Alas, it was closed. It was only 1:30 am! Wouldn't you think that would be their prime business time??
So Tricia said "Mr Cab Driver, can you take us to another tattoo/piercing place?". He drove us through some scary ass streets and I was having visions of getting taken to someone's house and getting pierced with a dirty needle in someone's basement by a man named Spike when he pulled up in front of a place that was actually nice, clean, well-lit, etc. We felt even better when we saw the cops inside flipping through the tattoo pictures. Sweet.
I sat down and made friends with the big bald dude with long goatee and multiple piercings (including genital, he felt obligated to tell us for some reason. Don't worry, we didn't have to see them) who would be piercing me. His name was Hank and he was awesome. Sweetest guy ever, and I'm telling you the piercing did not hurt at ALL. No pinch, no sting, no burn, nothing. I was afraid I was going to break Jodi's hand from squeezing it so hard, but there was no reason to!

The next night...oh boy. We headed to a little dive bar that had karaoke. It was actually pretty humorous, the number of guys who slinked over to our tables to try and pick us up, who then saw our wedding rings and found out we had kids, and promptly slinked away. We did get shots out of one, and drinks out of another, though. Yeah, we still got it, bitches.
We went up onstage (well, not so much a stage as a patch of floor in front of the men's bathroom) and regaled everyone with our rendition of "Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw?". Don't every tell me we're not classy. A couple hours later, we got to go back up and sing again. We totally flopped. I couldn't believe it! We sang the hell out of "Kiss Me Deadly" and it's like we were singing to a room of dead people. Well, except the guy who, when we sang (or shouted drunkenly, more accurately) "kiss me once!" replied "NO THANKS!". Ouch.
Between that and the guys shoving us to the side to go take a whizz, and Tricia's drunken shouting of "COME ON!" at the wrong times of the song, and the fact that NOT ONE PERSON clapped when we were done, we decided it was time to move on and stumble home.

I had a great time this weekend, and I'm sure there were a million more funny moments that I can't remember...alcohol tends to fog your brain. I love my friends. I wish Sue had been able to come, but I understood why she couldn't and I love her anyways too.

But one of the best moments of the weekend? Coming home and seeing my babies and watching Tate's face light up as I came through the door. And seeing Nora stuff her whole hand in her mouth (yeah, she got that from me) with glee. Oh, and the fact that Tate has now decided that he only wants Daddy to put him to bed and go up to his room and put him back in bed for the 38546 times he got out of bed. Hee hee.

I am so Badass

I don't have time to write much at this moment, but let me just say.

I got my nose pierced. And I love it.

More details to follow later.